I've been on the edge of crashing for months now, just propelling myself
forward by doing what others needed to be done. it worked. but suddenly
there's less demand, and nothing to pull me forward. I'm going down, I'm
going down, it's going to be a mess if I crash and lord knows who or
what I'd take with me.
I've loaded up my life with too much
cargo, and the plane is going down. too many things I hold on to:
stress, worry, grudges, hurts. some of these things I've been carrying
around for a long time. old things. ancient things. and the older they are, the more that they weigh.
I can't keep all these things with me and still be able to fly. my
engines are shutting down and I'm about to take a nosedive unless I open
the cargo bay and pitch something out the back. maybe all of it.
I might have to loose a few dreams too. painful, but I can't carry all
things I want to be: wife, daughter, sister, friend, worker, blogger,
baker, runner, photographer, crafter, writer, entrepreneur. it's too
much. I can't be all these things, be good at them, and still be me.
I try to be a good person. to make everyone else happy. but when the
plane is going down, you have to strap your own oxygen mask on first.
this is it, time to be selfish. I have to put myself first, before I
suffocate with my own stubbornness. focus on breathing, just breathing. I
need to do what I need. not just say I want to do it, but do it.
Fall is here. it announced it's arrival with a biting chill that swept in one afternoon this week. and instead of moving through, settled down and stayed.
I've been wearing socks in the house. and drinking hot chocolate, and tea. lots and lots of tea. my diet is soup and stews and chili and honeycrisp apples. [why did no one ever tell me how delicious honeycrisp apples are?] the kittens are cuddly and I spent the entire morning sweatshirt-clad and sofa-bound with a good book.
and as usually happens when the weather changes, I developed a nasty sinus headache / general feeling of blah. it won't last, but that's why I'm curled up inside rather than prancing through the crisp autumn air. I have kittens though, and Spartan football, and a pot of chili simmering on the stove. and plenty of time to play in crunchy leaves before the snow hits.
came home sick from work today and feeling very blah... but looking through c+c's wedding photos put a smile on my face. I love to see the love in these pictures. and while there's room for improvement, I'm damn proud of what I've done. sharing a few favorites as I FINALLY got the drive mailed off the the happy couple this week. feels good to have completed the job, now I'm ready for the next thing.
it would seem I have the blogging bug again. today is one of those days where I just feel driven to write. I can feel myself slowly slipping into a funk, and I'm trying to type my way out of it. word by word. so please excuse me if this gets disjointed and irrelevant. I'm just feeling the need to get some words out.
my coffee is sitting on the desk next to my laptop, smoking like a mug of campfire. hearty and bold french roast. Starbucks. because even though I try to save the 50 cents and buy generic it just doesn't pack the same kind of punch. at least I grind and brew it on my own. I drink coffee, black, that's it. so it doesn't make sense to drive somewhere and pay someone if I'm not getting a half-soy-no-foam-extra-caramel-whatever.
I'm bundled up in sweatpants and my trusty beat up MSU hoodie [which technically belongs to Husband, though I've been wearing it the past 5 years]. I wish I could wax sentimental about the changing weather and the scent of fall in the air but I'm just chilled from the air conditioning. it's 76 and muggy out this morning here in Jersey. I could smell it in New Hampshire, but that version of fall hasn't crept down this far yet.
tomorrow is the start of school. being married to a teacher ensures that event will always be meaningful in my life. summers will always be marked with chaos, but the start of school brings order and routine. the furious typing of keys as Husband lesson plans, a quiet snore from the sleeping kitten perched on the bookshelf, the gentle rumble of the washing machine, the crock pot lid rattling as a bit of slow-roasted deliciousness escapes. the sounds of fall are here, if not the scents.
by definition, photography is the art of capturing light.
but I believe it's more than that. to me, photography is the art of capturing emotion.
anyone with decent glass can point a camera and click. they can say "stand like this, put your hand here", do a little photoshopping and make a nice picture. but it takes something more to capture real human emotion.
by no means have I mastered the art. but I can't waste my time trying to achieve anything less.
how did it get to be fall already? I feel like summer just blew past me in a hot, sticky breeze. sure I wish I could have spent a little more time on the beach, but I'm not going to complain much. fall means the arrival of football season. cardigans, boots, and scarves. apple cider [occasionally spiked with spiced rum]. baking and baking and baking. lots of travel plans including a tailgate and a surprise.
I know I've been a lax blogger over the wild and crazy summer, but I'm starting to feel less guilty about enjoying the moment and living life without stopping to document everything. and maybe, just maybe, fall will give me time to catch up...