down in flames

my plane is crashing.

I've been on the edge of crashing for months now, just propelling myself forward by doing what others needed to be done. it worked. but suddenly there's less demand, and nothing to pull me forward. I'm going down, I'm going down, it's going to be a mess if I crash and lord knows who or what I'd take with me.

I've loaded up my life with too much cargo, and the plane is going down. too many things I hold on to: stress, worry, grudges, hurts. some of these things I've been carrying around for a long time. old things. ancient things. and the older they are, the more that they weigh.

I can't keep all these things with me and still be able to fly. my engines are shutting down and I'm about to take a nosedive unless I open the cargo bay and pitch something out the back. maybe all of it.

I might have to loose a few dreams too. painful, but I can't carry all things I want to be: wife, daughter, sister, friend, worker, blogger, baker, runner, photographer, crafter, writer, entrepreneur. it's too much. I can't be all these things, be good at them, and still be me.

I try to be a good person. to make everyone else happy. but when the plane is going down, you have to strap your own oxygen mask on first.

and breathe.

so this is it, time to be selfish. I have to put myself first, before I suffocate with my own stubbornness. focus on breathing, just breathing. I need to do what I need. not just say I want to do it, but do it.