genuine

I've never been a good liar. if I'm excited, you hear it in my voice. if I'm stressed, you know it just by looking at me. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and put myself out there for everyone to see. even if I'm a mess. I can't hide who I am. I can't pretend to be something that I'm not.

the other day I was having a conversation with a friend about a situation that's been bothering me. and I said I didn't understand why it upset me so much, it wasn't really anything to do with my business but it upset me nonetheless. and she said the reason why, is because I'm a genuine person. so persons who are not genuine, who put on an outward appearance of something they are not, who hide what they really are for whatever reason... these people violate my values system. they go against what I believe to be right. and the fact that I'm bothered by it is a good sign. I have strong conviction in my personal morals and beliefs, and won't lower my standards just because someone tries to guilt me into it.

the other point she made, is that while such persons offend me, I am in no way obligated to pursue a relationship with them. there is no reason to put myself in a situation I am uncomfortable with, by forcing myself to try to be friends with someone I disagree with on a basic level. I just don't have to.

it's not that I'm incapable of tolerating these people. I do, in fact, have to tolerate several on a near-daily basis. but if someone asks me to grab a drink or come to an event and I don't want to... I don't have to. trying to create a friendship where there is no basis, trust, or truth will never work. and it isn't being rude to turn down an invitation for something that I won't enjoy. I'm entitled to choose who I associate with and what I do with my life.

how freeing is THAT revelation?

the secret is, it's all love.

here we are, a week into the new year, and I haven't yet made a resolution. I've been reflecting on the past year and trying to make sense of it all. I'll admit, I was struggling. 

and then I read this post on one of my favorite sites. and it's exactly the thing I've been needing to hear. I've been working on this 'resolution post' for days... writing, deleting, rewriting... trying to find the missing piece. and it fell right into my blogroll. (thank you life, and thank you God, for always sending me what I need when I need it most!)

Even in the struggle, you are loved.
You are being loved not in spite of the hardship, but through it.
The thing you see as wrenching, intolerable, life’s attack on you,
is an expression of love.

There is the part of us that fears and protects and defends and expects,
and has a story of the way it’s supposed to turn out.
That part clenches in fear, feels abandoned and cursed.

There is another part, resting at the floor of the well within,
that understands:
this is how I am being graced, called, refined, by fire.

The secret is, it’s all love.
It’s all doorways to truth.
It’s all opportunity to merge with what is.

Most of us don’t step through the doorframe.
We stay on the known side.
We fight the door, we fight the frame, we scream and hang on.

On the other side, you are one with the earth, like the mountain.
You hum with life, like the moss.
On the other side, you are more beautiful:
wholeness in your bones, wisdom in your gaze,
the sage-self and the surrendered heart alive.

- Tara Mohr from The Real Life

how true is it, that often we fight things that we shouldn't? we hold on to the things that hurt us because they are familiar. we forget that what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. we forget that growth cannot happen without change and we cling to what we think we know. and instead of letting go and fighting through whatever challenge is presented, we just... fight.

sometimes things just happen. life throws you experiences that are difficult, and painful, and overwhelming. in the past few months, I feel like I've been drowning in them. but I'm tired of fighting these experiences with tears and disbelief, with fingers bloody and numb from clutching at the doorframe. I'm ready to let go. I'm ready to let life take me through. I'm ready to learn. I'm ready to change.

I talk so much about love. and day after day, it's what holds me together. but I need to open my eyes and see it's not just in the good things of life. it's in everything. the pain, the frustration, the heartache... everything. this past year has been wonderful and terrible, joyous and sorrowful, full of laughter and tears. I've experienced so much love I thought my heart would burst, and so much pain I feared it would break.

but life isn't trying to break me. life is trying to show me that I'm stronger than I ever thought, and teach me how to recognize the love in every situation. true optimism isn't finding more moments of good in your life. it's finding the good in all situations.

so that's what I resolve for this year, for this moment, for this life: to remember it's all love.