the keys to life and other musings

another shot at this bravery thing. over the past year I have been going through what Husband calls my "renaissance": questioning my identity, exploring new [or newly discovered] talents, struggling with my emotions, developing self-worth, wondering about the future.

as you can imagine, it has been a turbulent time to live inside my head. my instinct is to put up walls to keep it in, to block it out. don't let the emotions leak out. don't let anything get inside where it can hurt you. but. that's not really living.

I decided to seek some help in dealing with it all, and spent about 3 months visiting weekly with a therapist. she didn't give me all the answers, or magically cure me. but she helped. and she gave me what I needed to get on with my life.

I'm still working on self-improvement. voicing my needs and my wants, feeling entitled and not guilty. but my eyes are open and I see what I don't want to become. what I do want- writing, photography, a successful business, motherhood- is undecided. I'm still working to define what defines me. but I know now that it's ok. my life may get messy but it's my mess. and so much of it is good.

Let life touch you. Yes, it will hurt sometimes. But far deeper would be the pain if you were to build an impenetrable wall around yourself.
-Ralph Marston

I don't have it all figured out. but this I know for certain: the key to life, is to live it. otherwise there's no point to any of it.

bracketology

when picking brackets, I say:

 be brave and go with your gut.

Sparty on.

some random thoughts

ok. so the news is out. we're moving to Taiwan.

now what?

I mean seriously, how do you follow a post like that? in lieu of anything with real substance, I bring you some random thoughts in list form:

1. my new passport arrived. it's one of the special ones with the built in chips. I should probably get one of those cool leather passport cases, right? I wonder if people who actually travel use those, or if they just get in the way. I also picked up our paperwork from the consulate... time to mail everything to Taiwan and hopefully get some visas in return.

2. the other day my iPhone decided that it wouldn't update. for NO REASON. email, twitter, instagram, anything. I sortof panicked. and then realized that even though I've banished my facebook dependency, I'm still addicted to these other forms of social media. [but seriously, the most annoying thing is watching that little wheel spin and spin even though I've got 5 full bars of service]

3. I think I'm back on running again. the weather has been gorgeous lately so that helps. I've accepted morning runs will not be happening anytime soon, but with daylight savings I can make it out after work. trying to weasel my way into running the broad street 10 miler in May, so training would be a good idea. I also have this fantasy that once I'm done with work I'll wake up and run every morning. here. in Michigan. in Taiwan. [maybe.]

4. I've been working on our bucketlist, with help from Husband. most of what we've come up with so far is food related. not surprising, but definitely will need to keep running if we're going to cross all that off the list. I also started a pinboard of things to see IN Taiwan. I haven't gotten very far yet but trying to actually do some research into these things first.

5. happy pi day. [now I want pie]

bravery

I follow a lot of bloggers. when I first started my baking blog, I filled my reader with great recipes and gorgeous photography. over time, a lot of those blogs have dropped off my list. because what they lack is great writing. and by great what I really mean is: authentic.
"It seems to me that being authentic is being brave enough or just candid enough to be honest about what you are experiencing or who you are, whether it is popular are not. A person gives a gift to other people when they say, 'This is what happened to me or this is how I truly feel, no matter what the popular belief is about what I should feel.' Whenever you are honest, you are speaking for a thousand silent people who don't have the voice to say what they really feel or are really experiencing. So, if you ever talk about [the thing you went through], you will touch a million hearts. Because you are speaking for more than just yourself. You are never alone in what you are feeling."

the above is an email a blogger I follow received from her mother. she was brave enough to post it because, well... her mom is right. authenticity is what makes great writing.

that's why the food blog I still enjoy most is the one that talks more about dating and cats and quirkiness than food. why this brave woman inspires me with her sheer honesty. why this blogger and this blogger have helped calm my panics about the day I finally have children.

these women are brave and honest. so why have I been such a chicken? I'm afraid of what people will think of me. my parents, my friends, my co-workers, random strangers on the internet.

today it stops. or at least takes a huge step in the right direction. I need to continue my revolution.  I want to try and find who I am as a writer, who I will be as a person, and be brave enough throw it all out there. I still think I've been genuine, but I need to be a little braver. a little less theoretical. to pour my heart out, and instead of hitting delete, click publish.

so here goes.