love what's yours

I went to dinner the other night with friends and we had an interesting conversation. we were talking about facebook and how annoying certain people can be. and how- yes, we admit it- we can be jealous of these people sometimes. "why does she get to go on so many tropical vacations?" or "look at his new car/tv/house..." or "I feel like every day she posts something about how amazing her job is" and we get in the habit of comparing our lives to theirs and it ultimately feels like we are lacking.

but you have to stop and consider a few things. you are only seeing what this person wants you to think their life is like. they have complete discretion on editing things out and adding things in. what they are projecting as their life is only the highlights they choose, not the whole story. you don't know what is going on in the background, or even if what they say is true.

think of it like watching a movie trailer. sometimes the movie looks incredible, and then you realize after you see it that they put all the good stuff in the trailer.

though sometimes, the trailer is spot on. which means you also have to remember we are all individuals with varied capabilities and sensibilities. what is important and meaningful to me might be crumbs to you. we place value differently, measure worth in different coins. even though we both call it blue, the color I see when I look at the sky might not be the same through your eyes.

the point is: the only reliable source of happiness is accepting and enjoying your own life and what is around you. comparing to others can only detract from that. you have to love what's yours. something I've been working to remember and attempting to infuse into my way of thinking.

the keys to life and other musings

another shot at this bravery thing. over the past year I have been going through what Husband calls my "renaissance": questioning my identity, exploring new [or newly discovered] talents, struggling with my emotions, developing self-worth, wondering about the future.

as you can imagine, it has been a turbulent time to live inside my head. my instinct is to put up walls to keep it in, to block it out. don't let the emotions leak out. don't let anything get inside where it can hurt you. but. that's not really living.

I decided to seek some help in dealing with it all, and spent about 3 months visiting weekly with a therapist. she didn't give me all the answers, or magically cure me. but she helped. and she gave me what I needed to get on with my life.

I'm still working on self-improvement. voicing my needs and my wants, feeling entitled and not guilty. but my eyes are open and I see what I don't want to become. what I do want- writing, photography, a successful business, motherhood- is undecided. I'm still working to define what defines me. but I know now that it's ok. my life may get messy but it's my mess. and so much of it is good.

Let life touch you. Yes, it will hurt sometimes. But far deeper would be the pain if you were to build an impenetrable wall around yourself.
-Ralph Marston

I don't have it all figured out. but this I know for certain: the key to life, is to live it. otherwise there's no point to any of it.

one month without facebook

today marks one month since I deactivated my facebook account.

the other day I was shopping, and at the checkout the cashier asked me if I was a fan of their store on facebook. I told her no, since I had deactivated my account. I was expecting some spiel about missing out on coupons when instead, she praised my choice: "that's awesome, good for you! I bet it feels amazing to have that kind of freedom..."  I told her it did, and I meant it.

there are times when I think I miss facebook because it makes you feel like you're connected to people. up to speed, in the know. but the interactions I've had in the month since deactivating... those connections are more real. clicking a little thumbs-up button just doesn't cut it for me anymore. I want words. I crave conversation. seeing someone's face, hearing someone's voice, or at the very least reading words through text or email that are meant for me, and not for those who will read them.

I think a lot of people fall into that trap on facebook. you don't always say things with complete honesty, because you want to look good. you know that literally hundreds of people will see what you write. so we try to be funnier than ourselves, or more profound. we write what we think they want to hear, try to project an image of ourselves that is not always true. just for the sake of appearances.

thinking about it that way makes me not want to go back. maybe ever.

do I miss out on what's going on in people's lives? yes, but most of what I'm missing are things I didn't care to know in the first place. the people who matter reach out in other ways when there's something to tell.  do I occasionally wish I could creep on those non-important people out of idle curiosity? yes. that's called being human. [don't lie, I know you creep on people too] does not being on facebook keep the people who I don't want creeping on me from doing so? absolutely not. they read this blog, or follow me on pinterest or twitter. [and with all the blogging + pinning + tweeting I've been doing in the last month they have plenty to creep on.]

but without facebook, life seems simpler. it feels a little more private. quieter. less pressure to pretend friendships and constantly compete in the boasting and bragging. a little isolated at times, but in a good way. I get to be alone enough to be myself. what I put out into the world is less influenced. so I think, for the time being at least, I'll stay where I am.

bravery

I follow a lot of bloggers. when I first started my baking blog, I filled my reader with great recipes and gorgeous photography. over time, a lot of those blogs have dropped off my list. because what they lack is great writing. and by great what I really mean is: authentic.
"It seems to me that being authentic is being brave enough or just candid enough to be honest about what you are experiencing or who you are, whether it is popular are not. A person gives a gift to other people when they say, 'This is what happened to me or this is how I truly feel, no matter what the popular belief is about what I should feel.' Whenever you are honest, you are speaking for a thousand silent people who don't have the voice to say what they really feel or are really experiencing. So, if you ever talk about [the thing you went through], you will touch a million hearts. Because you are speaking for more than just yourself. You are never alone in what you are feeling."

the above is an email a blogger I follow received from her mother. she was brave enough to post it because, well... her mom is right. authenticity is what makes great writing.

that's why the food blog I still enjoy most is the one that talks more about dating and cats and quirkiness than food. why this brave woman inspires me with her sheer honesty. why this blogger and this blogger have helped calm my panics about the day I finally have children.

these women are brave and honest. so why have I been such a chicken? I'm afraid of what people will think of me. my parents, my friends, my co-workers, random strangers on the internet.

today it stops. or at least takes a huge step in the right direction. I need to continue my revolution.  I want to try and find who I am as a writer, who I will be as a person, and be brave enough throw it all out there. I still think I've been genuine, but I need to be a little braver. a little less theoretical. to pour my heart out, and instead of hitting delete, click publish.

so here goes.

saturday morning, the 2nd

holiday weekends are great. it means this morning is not really sunday morning, but saturday morning the 2nd. it's like getting a do-over. except -bonus- all those groceries I bought yesterday are still in the fridge.

I've been thinking a lot about do-overs, second chances, and clean starts as of late.

more and more often I sit down at my macbook with good intentions to write freely, but I get stuck. so I go paint my nails, or waste some time on pinterest. and I come back and still can't find the right way to say what I want to say without saying what I can't.

someday, soon, I'm going to be starting over. I hate that I can't say more than that. I hate that I can't shout it from the rooftops and throw an impromptu dance party. I wish I could find something else to write besides cryptic half-messages that would drive me insane if I was the one reading them. 

but I can't think about anything else. 

I suppose I cant at least tell you this much: in conjunction with this new adventure of mine, I will be starting a new blog. a place where I can write freely, no decoder rings necessary.

until then, please bear with me as I figure it all out.

8 years

eight years ago, the night of friday february 13th, I met a boy.

he walked me home from a party on beal street.

and I kissed him, under the beaumont tower.

we dated. we broke up. we dated. we broke up.

he moved halfway across the world.

I moved to another planet called manhattan.

he became a different person, so did I. we grew up.

and it just so happened that those two new people fell in love.

the point I try to make when I tell our story is this:

 that night eight years ago, I didn't meet the love of my life.

I met the boy who would grow into that man.

love is not a static emotion.

the capacity to change creates endless opportunities to grow.

I found someone I can adventure with.

puzzles

it's saturday morning and I'm sitting here wondering what to write. snow is falling, but not sticking. there's a kitten on my lap. I'm wearing the weekend household uniform of sweatpants and my MSU sweatshirt [stolen from Husband circa 2005] that must be 100 years old by now, but is so broken in and comfortable I think I'll keep it until it unravels.

the mail truck just pulled up. we only check our mail once [or twice if lucky] a week. usually the junk flyers and credit card offer envelopes are stuffed in so tight it all spills out when you try to remove it. I like to think that there are only a few people who truly dislike me in this world, but I know for sure our mailman is on that list.

so the snow is falling, and not sticking, and I'm stalling. because I can't write about what I want to write about. or at least I am choosing not to at this time. and that leads us to the usual cryptic post that says something without really saying anything. it's something that I've danced around for years. someday- hopefully soon- I can get into all the gory details. but for now I can't talk about what it is, only what it feels like.

have you ever had one of those moments where it all just falls into place? you've been fumbling around with bits and pieces for months... years... wondering when things would start to come together. and in a span of a few days and hours, things take shape and the picture becomes clear.

and of course when it does, it doesn't look like you expected. it looks a little scary actually. but that's a good thing. challenges and change lead to growth. and the more you learn the less it seems overwhelming, and the more exciting it gets.

there are moments of sadness for the things you will lose. by choosing the path of one opportunity you can miss others. but there is so much to be gained. more options become available- things you never even considered become possible.

a hundred quotes are flying around my head at supersonic speeds. I could sit here and spout them all day, but let's be honest: I don't have that kind of time and neither do you. so even though this is not the kind of thing you can effectively boil down into one sentence, I find the most appropriate is also one of my old favorites:

genuine

I've never been a good liar. if I'm excited, you hear it in my voice. if I'm stressed, you know it just by looking at me. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and put myself out there for everyone to see. even if I'm a mess. I can't hide who I am. I can't pretend to be something that I'm not.

the other day I was having a conversation with a friend about a situation that's been bothering me. and I said I didn't understand why it upset me so much, it wasn't really anything to do with my business but it upset me nonetheless. and she said the reason why, is because I'm a genuine person. so persons who are not genuine, who put on an outward appearance of something they are not, who hide what they really are for whatever reason... these people violate my values system. they go against what I believe to be right. and the fact that I'm bothered by it is a good sign. I have strong conviction in my personal morals and beliefs, and won't lower my standards just because someone tries to guilt me into it.

the other point she made, is that while such persons offend me, I am in no way obligated to pursue a relationship with them. there is no reason to put myself in a situation I am uncomfortable with, by forcing myself to try to be friends with someone I disagree with on a basic level. I just don't have to.

it's not that I'm incapable of tolerating these people. I do, in fact, have to tolerate several on a near-daily basis. but if someone asks me to grab a drink or come to an event and I don't want to... I don't have to. trying to create a friendship where there is no basis, trust, or truth will never work. and it isn't being rude to turn down an invitation for something that I won't enjoy. I'm entitled to choose who I associate with and what I do with my life.

how freeing is THAT revelation?

shooting blind

 

think of it like Harry Potter and the door to platform 9 3/4. 

the only way to get through? believe that you will. close your eyes and run headfirst into it. maybe you'll crash and scrape your nose up on the brick, fall on your ass and watch your precious life tumble off the cart, exposed for all to see. but maybe -if you believe it- you'll make it through. 

and what's on the other side will take your breath away.

take it easy

I've decided not to do an official photo project this year. at least not one that starts now. the next few months are going to be completely insane. when I come out the other side, I'll have a lot of interesting things to share and an adventure definitely worth documenting. but until then I'm going to just let my creative juices simmer on their own and take a break from all the regulations.

2012 is going to be a big year of self-discovery and reinvention for me. I'm not sure where the path will take me, but for once I'm ok with that. I'm hoping to find myself in a place of peace. and that means letting go of the limitations I've set for myself, and figuring out what rules I really need to live by.

the unknown

I’ve never really liked the unknown.

I'm a planner. I like to be prepared, on top of things, in the know. if you don't have a plan, don’t worry. I'll make one for you. possibly with an accompanying flowchart, route map, timeline and/or excel spreadsheet. that's just how I roll.

I'll be the first to admit it- I've got control issues.

but there are some things in life, big things, over which I have no control. it's kinda like a roller coaster. [cliché analogy, but I'm going with it] I can make sure my seat belt is securely fastened, but other than that I'm just along for the ride. a slow climb up a big hill, can't see what's over the edge. adrenaline pumping, anticipation building, stomach starts twisting...

and it's up to me to choose how I ride it out: terrified, white-knuckle grip, eyes shut? or hands up, hair in the wind, shouting with joy?

it's time to let go. time to let the unknown be exciting, not scary. time to try new things and go new places. no plans, no maps.

[ok, maybe one map]

learning to breathe again

Not too long ago, a friend came to visit me, and we went into New York for the weekend. One of our mutual friends told me to “take a ton of pictures!” and my visiting friend responded “telling Jamie to take pictures is like telling her to breathe.”

And that’s really what it feels like. For a while, I was holding my breath. I’ve always been my own worst critic. And I feel like I was avoiding my camera because I wasn’t doing great work. I wasn’t improving. But- surprise, surprise- the way to improve most certainly is NOT by letting your camera gather dust. It’s so silly. Because the moment I picked it up again was truly like a breath of fresh air. I ran through the woods, giddy and excited and dancing.

These past few weeks I’ve really tried to focus on ME and fulfilling my own needs. The more stressed at work I get, the more I try to balance with creative outlets. I’ve been baking and blogging and DIY-ing all over the place. I even sat and played video games for an hour the other night. The fact that I can let go and relax that much? Amazing. I spoiled myself with cute MSU gear when we were home the other weekend, and also a few new pairs of heels. No post-purchase guilt. I would spend that money on someone else in a heartbeat, but I’m deserving of it too. 

I’ve also been finding little ways to indulge in feeling good about myself. A coat of lip gloss before heading out the door works wonders. Perfectly polished nails really make me feel more professional. Pausing for a moment to smell the fall air, snuggle with a kitten, stick my face in the sunshine, or sip a hot cup of tea… instant rejuvenation. I went for a run tonight even though it was borderline too dark. Worth it. And Husband gave me an easy strength-building routine to add to my exercise plan. It’s amazing how small things can make such a positive impact.

Here’s to breathing in deep of all the good life has to offer.

week 29: in the mountains

Colorado. a morning fresh and full of possibility.

hiking solo through the most gorgeous wildflower-covered mountains. 

Nikes on my feet and blue skies overhead.

rocks and stumps and branches and signs made makeshift tripods.

I slowly wandered down a trail unknown, breathing it all in.

stopping to see. stopping to be thankful. stopping to worship.

I discovered a stream, ice cold from melted snow.

so I plunged in my feet until they went numb.

I sat and pondered the great mysteries of the universe.

then I let the sun dry my feet, put my shoes back on and left.

snakes on a plane

this post really has nothing to do with snakes. just planes.

lately I've been having great luck with my fellow travelers when flying. yesterday, coming home from Colorado, was one of the best flying experiences I've ever had. even though my flight was delayed for 2.5 hours, and we spent an hour of that sitting on the tarmac.

first off, we had a wonderful flight attendant. he was probably the most entertaining airline worker I've encountered, but not in an over-the-top kind of way. he genuinely loves his job, and knows how to do it well. not many people would be able to deliver the message that "no, we aren't about to take off like we just told you... we're gonna be here for another hour" to a plane full of people who were just delayed for an hour and a half and get the response he did. then he spent 90% of the flight chatting with the couple in front of me, in real genuine conversation. I think they are going to lease his son's apartment actually.

the couple in front of me were in their young to mid thirties, lived in Manhattan, and had a baby boy only a few months old. one of the best behaved babies on a plane I've ever seen. time for a little confession: my biological impulses have been acting up lately. I see a mother holding a sleeping bundle to her chest, soft curls on it's head and a tiny fist... a new father, looking at his wife and child with absolute devotion and pride... or even just a woman with glowing cheeks and a rounded belly, smiling to herself. and my heart and my hormones make me feel jealous twinges. [my brain and my bank account however, not to mention my Husband, are set against children for another 5-8 years.]

I've gone off track. the mother in front of me was a very successful producer of some sort at a major tv network. she was happily married and very well off with an apartment in Chelsea and quite an attractive husband, who was successful in his own right. and she said something that made the baby urges hush right up. that while yes, she loved her life and was wildly successful, that she wishes she would have waited. not necessarily to become a mother, or get married. but to settle down. she went right from high school into college, from college into the workforce, and with a career in television her vacations have been few and far between. her only regret is that she didn't take a break from "real life" to give into the wanderlust. that she would have liked to have backpacked around Europe, volunteered in the peace corp, spent a summer lazing around her college town after graduation.

as a result, every two years or so she has to take a long vacation to- somewhere, anywhere - that she's never been in order to quench the thirst. wanderlust. and until her child is grown and she retires in 30 years, she'll never really be free to follow it. this woman has everything. and yet she still has this one giant regret looming over her life.

and in that moment, everything just felt... justified. my plans, our plans. we're doing the right thing. I'm not going to wake up at 35 with a handsome husband and a wildly successful career and a beautiful child and have any regrets. not quite. oh yes, I plan to have everything except the regret. I'm going to give in to the wanderlust before it's too late. I'm going to dive straight into the unknown with open arms, mind, heart. and while I won't shy away from greater responsibilities when their time comes, I won't prematurely take them on because society or anyone else believes I should. I intend to go and live my life in a way that is good for me, my Husband, our relationship, my sanity, and my soul.

and if, in ten years, you find yourself sitting behind me on a plane... feel free to slap me in the face if you hear me say anything other than "I've lived a wonderfully full and happy life, with everything I've ever wanted and even more than I could have imagined."

getting personal

well. Husband had been gone for a week now. I have been insanely busy since he left, partially on purpose, but this morning I finally had some time alone to sit and catch up on my google reader. and I found two posts that really spoke to me.

the first: how to be happy anytime. obviously, with my Husband on the other side of the world, I could spend a lot of my time wishing things were different. in fact, the last time he left me I spent nearly the entire time being miserable and missing him. this summer, I'm trying to use my time alone to really focus on "me" and how to improve myself. one big thing I need to be better at is framing things positively. I have a bad habit of letting little things pile up and drag me down. another issue of mine is letting everything turn into a competition. sure I can blame my competitive Austin nature, but it's not healthy to be constantly comparing and competing with others. I've always put too much pressure on myself in this way, and it's seriously time to stop. even if you are "winning", what's the point? with everything that's happened over the past year, I feel I am starting to lose sight of who I really am because I've been so focused on external events, persons, and circumstances. it's time to to just be myself, regardless of other people's actions or opinions. I am a strong, capable, caring, and creative woman. end of story.

the second: the thing that keeps you from doing great things. The Resistance. I know it well. how many times have I blogged about it, talked about it, felt it? the post talks about it in regards to writing and running, but it's applicable to so much more. "I've faced similar things with running, and you probably have, too.  You know you should be running.  You even want to be running.  And yet, for a variety of reasons (some of which sound really, really legit), you're not running." you want to know something? I haven't strapped on my running shoes since I finished the 1/2 marathon. I haven't baked anything in longer than that. I've been putting off officially starting my photography business. and the laundrypile? I have my reasons for procrastinating each of these things. some of which sound really, really legit. but it's time to stop. it's time to act. it's time to do great things. [even if those great things are folding the 4th load of wash for the day, just about to come out of the dryer]

week nineteen: ouch

sometimes, we fall down. even when we are trying hard to do something good. like waking up at 6am to train for your 1/2 marathon. sometimes we fall down hard. into gravelly potholes. and we scrape our knee for the first time in what feels like 20 years. and suddenly remember why kids cry so much when that happens. that shit hurts. so we cry a little and get embarrassed and gimp home and feel like we've failed for the day because it was less than a mile into our run that the incident occurred.

then the next day comes. and we remember: we are adults now. we have lived through many scrapes and falls. we realize how lucky it was we were wearing long sleeves and running tights, and that we didn't fall on our face. we tell ourselves to be strong and persevere, that if a 6-yr-old can bounce back the next day so can a 26-yr-old, and that sweat in an open wound can't hurt that much.

so we strap on our shoes, and go run.

[just not down that road anymore.]

motivation, where are you?

it's noon on a saturday, and I was about to say I've done nothing. which is not entirely true. I booked Husband and I's first anniversary trip. I'm going back to the south... to Charleston this time!  more southern charm to explode my hard drive with.

No, I haven't edited Savannah photos yet. but I at least pared them down to under 200. and a few could probably live without editing. but of course I'm me, and I'll go back and edit them all anyway. [these have not been edited, and it almost makes me itchy to post them.]

confession: I drank Jamaican beer in Georgia. I was hoping to try out some local microbrews, but no such luck. when faced with the choice between Miller Lite and Red Stripe? no contest, baby. and yes they had Yuengling. but I was on vacation and felt I needed to drink something south of PA.

currently I'm feeling like this. hazy. and lazy. and unmotivated. I need to go run. but I'm also waiting for the car to finish being repaired. so I can't go anywhere until Husband is back from Crossfit. and I don't want to fall in another pothole. [or at least I'm using that for an excuse to not go running in the neighborhood.]

besides, I've got both kittens snuggling me right now. not. moving.

18 and life

week 18: sometimes... even if you aren't the one pulling the trigger, you're still the one behind the lens.

a quick recap

I'm not even going to tell you how many photos are sitting, unedited, on my hard drive from the Savannah trip. but I will tell you there are some real gems hiding in there. be patient.

I did, however, make it though the cousins visit photos. cousin's visits photos. photos of the cousins' visits. and so, a recap:

 

bolis.

giant jenga in galoshes.

 boom.

 

Harold's Deli.

a LOT of pastrami.

 

best damn margs ever.

 

beaster eggs.

 

sickeningly sweet adorableness.

[that also makes me really really happy]

 

and alligator oven mitts.

25 things about my 25th year

my 26th birthday happened to be last saturday. and of course, that means I've been feeling reflective again. looking back on the past year, I have changed so much as a person. not all of it was enjoyable or easy... but change rarely is. I thought I'd make a list of 25 things that happened during my 25th year that really had an impact on my life. because we all know how I love lists :)

1. I got married. it was, literally, the best day of my life. [so far] I stressed a lot beforehand, but all my planning paid off in the end. I never thought I would have so much fun at my own wedding. but I did! I have the most amazing people in my life, and being able to celebrate with them is a memory I will cherish forever. [not to mention the amazing Husband I got out of the whole deal!]

2. I started another 52 weeks project. because my last one drowned in work and wedding and that stubborn Austin in me can't give up. I desperately need to get out and shoot more, but by allowing myself to bend the "rules" a little, and thanks to my iPhone, I'm keeping up. it's also helping me come to terms with allowing myself to rule-bend.

3. losing my grandmother really unhinged me emotionally. due to work circumstances and the approaching Holidays, I didn't really have time to properly deal with it. I tried to hide it and carry on with a smile, but by the time we went home for Christmas I was in a really bad place. truly, I was a mess. there are days I still struggle to keep it together, but lucky for me I have people who love me unconditionally and support me despite the messiness.

4. I had a thunderbolt moment that made me realize that most of my problems in life come from the fact that I get so easily emotionally involved in things. problems that are not my responsibility, things that are beyond my control, people who shouldn't matter. I said I was "emotionally slutty." Luke said I just have a big heart. that being said, I've also realized a lot of the good things in my life come from having "such a big heart" and caring so much about... everything. I'm an extremely compassionate person and I put my all into anything I do.

5. I acquired a french press, and my morning coffee will never be the same again.

6. I took the plunge and signed up for a half marathon. I've had really good running days, and really bad ones. [including a recent run-in with a pothole the size of a VW bus] I haven't been the most faithful to my training plan, but I know that I'll be ok. I'm really excited to accomplish this, because there was a long time when I didn't think I ever could. but I will. and Luke will be there, and so will my Dad. I know they will both be so proud, and that keeps me going. less than one month 'til I cross the finish line!

7. I've realized it's time to give up on some people. that may sound sad, or cruel even. but it's the truth. I hang on to things for far too long, and it's time to get rid of what doesn't do me any good anymore. [it's also time I applied this thinking to my closet.]

8. I got promoted and with that came a flood of new responsibilities and added stress. I've put in a lot of hard work, and had a lot of disappointments. it wears on you to spend all day fixing other people's mistakes because they cant take enough pride to do things right and hold themselves accountable. but it's been teaching me not to be so emotionally involved [see #4] and also making me stronger. and I'm learning a hell of a lot.

9. I took a photography class. even though I had to miss a few sessions due to work. it was helpful, but not so much in camera knowledge. the class showed me that my brain does not work like most creative people's... and it is actually to my extreme advantage. I am both a very rational and a very emotional person. I have both the mind for business and the eye for art. and if I ever start my own photography business, I know I would be successful.and it feels really great to know that.

10. I discovered foodgawker and created a Facebook page, and the baking blog was launched into infamy. it never ceases to amaze me how so many people can connect through the internet over a shared love of butter, flour, and photography.

11. I ate fried chicken at Paula Deen's Lady & Sons restaurant in Savannah. if that isn't life-changing, I don't know what is!

12. I swam in both the Atlantic and the Pacific, and dipped my toes in the Gulf as well. maybe it's growing up near the Great Lakes, but large bodies of water have always calmed me. I feel like my visits to them always clear my mind and mark some important moments in my life.

13. I made a new best friend here on the East Coast. I've made some good friends here, but this one was really what my life out here had been missing. Every girl needs someone to share passions of MSU football, margaritas, and shoe shopping with. I'm so thankful to have my "wifey" in my life.

14. the plagiarism outbreak. ugh. what more can I say about that except I've been doing some serious blog thinking. and came to the conclusion I need to stop taking it so seriously. I will bake when I want to bake, photograph when I want to photograph, and blog when I want to blog.

15. I took a vacation with just my parents. it just reconfirms that the older I get, the more I realize how like them I really am. and how lucky I was to be raised by parents who cared so much, worked so hard, and instilled all the right things in me.

16. speaking of being like my parents...  my obsessive planning and meticulous attention to detail saved the day not once but several times. both at work and during our wedding festivities. I still maintain the opinion that these qualities are some of my best.

17. instagram. it's the perfect solution for the photographer that doesn't have time to be a photographer. slowly but surely I've accepted the fact that art is art, whether you use a camera phone or a $5,000 body and lens combo.

18. and of course I wouldn't have instagram if I didn't have an iPhone. this amazing little device has changed my life in so many ways. I'm organized, synchronized, connected... and yet I can get in and get out and not waste hours on a computer if I don't want to.

19. I've learned to revel in the typical. embrace the routine. the sweet, comfortable familiarity of the known and the commonplace. adventures are wonderful, but you need something solid to come home to..

20. I discovered the perfect sports bra. I don't care if this sounds ridiculous. running is so much easier now that I can both breathe and be fully supported at the same time. I should have known Nike would provide the solution. [I'm obsessed with their gear and their new "make yourself" campaign.]

21. I cried in a Toyota dealership. it was combination of things that led to that moment... impending news of Luke's likely unemployment, troubles with his car [yet again], candle fiascoes at my office, our landlord asking if we wanted to buy our condo, and the fact we were Michiganders considering leasing a Japanese vehicle. and one extremely pushy and completely unscrupulous car salesman who mentioned the tsunami to pressure us. jerk.

22. Starbucks released cake pops to the masses, lighting another fire under the never-ending debate on what to do with my life. I know mine are better. but would people buy them from me? if they could just walk to the nearest Starbucks- would the convenience have a higher value than the actual product? given what I've seen of America lately, I'd believe they would chose convenience over quality.

23. great things are on the horizon. I can't be specific. I wish I could. but the cat has to stay in the bag for a while longer. I've talked about my good intentions and my fear of commitment.  but I know I'm going to something big with my life. I'm not destined to be ordinary. the change is coming soon. and I can't wait for that part of my journey to begin!

24. I have become a beer snob. I'm currently involved in a torrid love affair with IPA's. my two favorite breweries are Southern Tier and Dogfish Head, though I like to branch out sometimes.

25. I've firmly entrenched myself in the belief that love is everything. and I know in my bones that will never change. my life is not neat or put together, but I have the most important thing figured out. and so, it will all be ok.