stalling...

here we are, another saturday morning. rainy. french press + huevos rancheros. one kitten perched on the bookshelf, peering down on me as I type. another in my lap.

I'm stalling. today I told myself would finally be the day I purge my closet of all those things I never wear but for some reason still keep. I did some work a few months ago, but really that didn't do enough. and of course I've been buying a lot of new things. my sense of self-entitlement seems to manifest itself in wardrobe additions. in fact I was writing a post about that, but decided before I let myself finish it I really should clean the old things out.

 the other thing in competition with productivity today will be the Hunger Games. not the actual Hunger Games, but the book series. I started reading it this week and am 2/3 through the second book. I've been restraining myself. otherwise I would be done by now. the writing is obviously "young adult" reading level, which makes it go all the faster. at least she isn't one of those cruel / genius writers who ends their chapters in the middle of a conversation or event so you HAVE to start the next one. so I've been able to stop myself and not read through the nights.

ok. time to suck it up and get to work. Beau has climbed off my lap and my coffee's gone cold. see you tomorrow, internet.

friday five [in photos]

1. sparkly nails: Essie "set in stones" over "power clutch"

2. messy Friday hair

3. Beau deciding he would rather sleep under the tree than destroy it

4. crafting Christmas presents galore

5. dark chocolate peppermint bark. duh.

packing + procrastination

I am the worst at packing. the worst. I take forever. I get anxious about not bringing the right things, because I always seem to end up forgetting something. or having wayyyy to much. I waste a lot of time washing things I don't end up packing, and trying on outfits.

so I'm happy to report my suitcase is full [minus what's drying overnight] and my sister's wedding gift is wrapped and in the car. I tried on about 12 thanksgiving dinner outfits before settling on the above. and I'm sure I won't wear half of what I've packed. but, I'm packed.

Beau was absolutely no help. when he wasn't napping, he was jumping in my clean laundry piles and hiding in my suitcase. or fighting with Rocky. they always get cranky when they know I'm leaving town. punks.

 for now it's time to relax... beverage and pedicure, chopped marathon on food network, maybe a little pinterest-ing. then a good night's sleep and a 10 hour drive back to MI!

#1: fall cookie cutters

I bought these cookie cutters 2 years ago in early December, when all the fall and Halloween goodies were marked down to dirt cheap. and I finally used them. the cookie recipe I tried was a gluten-free chocolate experiment which ended up taking like... dirt. they were pretty though. check out instrusctions and more photos over on the baking blog.

52 card pick-up

thank you technology. I never would have been able to keep up with the 52 weeks project without my iPhone. I cut it a bit close a few weeks, but I've made it all the way to week 35 so far!

here's what happened after Colorado:

 

Week 30: Beau and I had lots of quality cuddle time. 

he knew I missed Husband and so he kept me company.

Week 31: I took Lola and my favorite stripey Anthro dress on a date to NYC with Katie.

 

Week 32: I coordinated outfits via phone for after-work birthday drinks.

Week 33: I took a road trip through New England with newly returned Husband.

Week 34: I braved Hurricane Irene.

Week 35: I was finally able to take some time to slow down and enjoy my morning coffee, 

some photo editing, and some blogging :)

motivation, where are you?

it's noon on a saturday, and I was about to say I've done nothing. which is not entirely true. I booked Husband and I's first anniversary trip. I'm going back to the south... to Charleston this time!  more southern charm to explode my hard drive with.

No, I haven't edited Savannah photos yet. but I at least pared them down to under 200. and a few could probably live without editing. but of course I'm me, and I'll go back and edit them all anyway. [these have not been edited, and it almost makes me itchy to post them.]

confession: I drank Jamaican beer in Georgia. I was hoping to try out some local microbrews, but no such luck. when faced with the choice between Miller Lite and Red Stripe? no contest, baby. and yes they had Yuengling. but I was on vacation and felt I needed to drink something south of PA.

currently I'm feeling like this. hazy. and lazy. and unmotivated. I need to go run. but I'm also waiting for the car to finish being repaired. so I can't go anywhere until Husband is back from Crossfit. and I don't want to fall in another pothole. [or at least I'm using that for an excuse to not go running in the neighborhood.]

besides, I've got both kittens snuggling me right now. not. moving.

week 5, catch-up, and some love

[week 5]
love comes in many forms. Husband re-arranged our office last week, so that I could use it as a photography studio. and wouldn't have to move all our junk off the endtables and crouch on the sofa to do shoots for my blog. his idea. it works so much better! the room is open, with the desk against the window but two sides that I can shoot from. the bookshelf cubes work perfectly for holding up my cardstock. and the desk surface is light wood, not my dark endtables that sometimes turn out black. and when I'm not shooting? I actually have a nice place to sit and edit, or email, or blog.

I can feel the love just sitting here. how incredibly blessed am I, to have someone like him?  when I come up against an obstacle and can't find a way around, he's there. whenever I'm unsure about something, he gives me a much needed push. he helped me get my camera so I could follow my dreams, reminds me why I do what I do, checks me back into reality when I'm having a moment, and brags about me and my talents to all his friends and co-workers.

I've been complaining about the lack of light/space to work with for photos in our new space... probably ever since we signed the lease. our last place was a loft, with westward-facing floor to ceiling windows, and more gorgeous light than I could hope to know what to do with. but for the past year, I've been making do with a 2 x 2' corner of our shadowy living room. instead of, you know, doing something about it. but he saw it, and he knew. furniture rearrangements may not be what every girl wants for Valentine's Day, but it's exactly what I needed.

[the cats like it too]

we also received a very special package this week, which is part of the reason I'm behind on my extracurriculars. two special somethings that start with an "i" and end with a "Phone". more on that later, but I will say that I'm still taking app recommendations.

that face

the other night we popped in a movie and Husband was out cold in under 5 minutes. Rocky curled up on the couch next to him for warmth. I grabbed the laptop for a little interwebs distraction. Beau decided that sitting on my lap/arm while I tried to type was a good idea. I decided to document the moment via webcam. Beau looks rather handsome here. I'm definitely all frump girl in the back, with my million year old hoodie, stolen from Husband.

tangent: why is it, that no matter how many sweatshirts a girl owns, the most comfortable one in her closest actually belongs to a man?

shortly thereafter I gave up trying to type and moved the laptop aside. Beau snuggled in for a nice nap. I could hear Rocky snoring over on the couch. I was the only living creature awake. all was calm, all was quiet [except for the cat snores of course] Beau was literally curled around my arm, small paws bracing against my leg, fuzzy chin to the ceiling, that adorable tuft of black fur on his otherwise all-white belly exposed.

warm. soft. peaceful. heart-meltingly adorable.

the small moments like this remind me how much I love life.

good intentions.

I have a lot of good intentions. but I seem to have even more explanations, justifications, and (really) excuses for not following through. I'm trying to focus on the positives. not on what I don't want, but on what I do.

to bake more. to blog more. to photograph more. to run consistently. to choose water over diet coke. to decline that fourth slice of heavenly pizza. to fold that last bit of laundry sitting in the basket. to brush the cats daily. to wake up at 6am so I can clean the kitchen and get dinner in the crockpot before I make it out the door.

to decide if I'm ever going to start selling prints. or cake pops. or both. to finally put that etsy store to good use. to get out on weekends with my camera, even in the snow. to not just hole up in the kitchen where it's warm and familiar. to experiment more. to socialize more. to do things that scare me. to decide what I want to do with my life.

to stay positive. to remember that this is hard, but also temporary. to decide where and what "point b" is. to figure out the details of how to get there. to have the patience to wait. to have the courage to take a risk. to unapologetically do what I love. to stop making excuses and start making changes.

[to do a bunch of other things I can't really talk about here.]

call them intentions, plans, goals... I have them. a lot of them. shiny and golden, and ... somewhat hazy and vague in the distance. the first step is always the most difficult. especially when there are so many directions you want to go. [ah, but there I go with the excuses again!]

I'm praying for a little motivation, and a lot of strength and courage, and some BOLDNESS.

because while intentions are good, action is better.

week four: tape and paper

this week, my baking blog turned one year old. I decided to put on my crafty-nerd pants and make myself a paper birthday crown and some accessories.

[tangent: as I was cutting and taping, Husband told me "you are going to be such a good mother" because of "all the fun crafty things you can do". we are still 5 years away from the consideration of children, but it's nice to know he has faith in my future mothering abilities. some days I doubt I can take care of myself, let alone another life form. oh wait, the cats! ok, so I can handle 2 small furry creatures.]

this photo was not actually what I was going for with the shoot, but it was the one I ended up liking best. in fact, the whole thing was a little ridiculous. I was fighting off attention-needy kittens, the crown kept sliding off, and trying to hide the remote while keeping the props-on-sticks facing the camera was more difficult than planned. the lighting... let me just say: I miss my loft with 15 ft of windows. [even with the obnoxiously high heating bills] it's blurry, but everything that turned out in focus just looked awkward. and sometimes I just like blur better.

this one's grown on me though. I'm in a dark-vintagey-faded-with weird undertones processing phase. [I blame winter. just wait until spring, your eyes will be burning from all the bright, supersaturated colors.] [I bet you are also getting tired of tangents in parentheses too, huh?] and for some reason I look like I'm laughing. not just awkward-smiling. plus, if you crop out the left side of the photo and the #1, I kindof look like a fairy princess.

I'm just gonna go with it.

love and hate, hate and love

I have a love/hate relationship with Sunday nights.

I love them for what they are: completely relaxing. routine. comfort. the sound of a scratching pen, turning page, sigh... as Husband grades papers on the couch. the warm, smokey scent of a cracking fire. a cold beer in my hand and the warmth of a good meal in my stomach. the sleepy hazy tingle of a slight buzz spreading through my veins. a good book. a soft chair. a fuzzy blanket. my favorite sweatshirt (stolen from Husband 5 years ago and never returned). playoff football and the usual whateverelse on tv. an hour long phonecall with my Mommy. the clink-clink-clink of clothes tumbling in the dryer. tap-tap-tap-tap of fingers on the keyboard. a warm kitten snuggling in for a nap.

all these small things that I love... will be gone as soon as the week begins. and that's what I hate about Sunday nights: they lead to Monday mornings.

typical sunday night

couch. laptop. kitten curled up around my arm, making it difficult to type. 

Husband doing schoolwork. Food Network and HGTV. 

clean laundry pile waiting to be folded on the bed. camera full of the weekend's baking.

sweet, comfortable routine.

 it feels something like that.

positive energy

I'm not entirely sure what's responsible for my recent overflow of creative juices,  but I'll take it. I admit it. I was in a rut. but now I'm bouncing back. maybe it's all the sugar from my holiday baking frenzy? I literally woke up early the other day, just so I could bake cookies before work. girl's gotta have her priorities, right?

repeat: I woke up early, so I could bake cookies before work.

and for some reason, I've been getting less sleep, but having more energy. maybe I was sleeping too much? cold weather makes it difficult for me to get out of my big warm soft pillowwy bed in the mornings. it also doesn't help when Beau decides he is going to snuggle me. he hears my alarm go off and literally runs into the room and jumps on the bed. at which point he does 1 of 2 things: curls up on my shoulder/stomach and starts purring... or starts liking my face and crying "MEOWM" because he wants to be fed/pet/stared at. which is annoying but gets me out of bed. since the weather's been changing though, he's opting more for warm and adorable and snuggly. which inevitably lulls me back to sleep.

why am I rambling about cats? I don't know, but it feels good to write. just... thoughts to fingers to screen. no filters, no agendas, no "oh this is too depressing to post and no one reads it anyway". I'm back to being me. and apparently back to blogging frequently. and also apparently obsessed with Christmas tree bokeh, which is what now adorns every inch of this page. I remember the first time I saw a Christmas light bokeh photo. I was in love. mesmerized. and really upset because I had no idea how it was done. and now, I've made my own! ridiculously easy once you figure it out. I love when something like that just clicks.

confession: I just ate a candy cane. so maybe I'm just hyped up on sugar today, but I'm hoping the positive energy sticks around.

pause

it's slow going around here lately... between settling in to my new job and settling in to post-wedding life, time has been as short as ever. but the gifts have all been unwrapped and put away, the thank-yous addressed (if not written), and things are moving towards whatever definition of "normal" my life usually is.

I somehow managed to keep up with the 52 weeks project through all the wedding chaos. (sidenote: yes I plan to finish the post series about the wedding... just needed a break to get some other stuff out) I'm not saying that all of my photos were particularly great or inspiring, but I made it.

and I've almost caught up on editing those. the next on the edit list is honeymoon pictures from Hawaii. I'm almost 1/3 through those. as you can well imagine, after months of hardly having time to pick up the camera and snap a shot of a kitten, I went wild with a week in Hawaii. I was unfortunately on the rusty side so not as many great shots as I would have liked. but let's be honest, I wasn't there to take pictures, I was there to have a relaxing vacation and spend some time with my new husband.

still, it wasn't a total loss. and to make things even more exciting is the fact that I now have Photoshop. I. am. in. love. and I have all these photos to play around with! Once I finish off the Hawaii photos, I will finally finally go back and edit the photoshoot I did in April with Sara. props to her for being so patient. hopefully the wait will be worth it. I know Im dying for my professional wedding photos. but it isn't easy to sort through hundreds or thousands of shots, find the best ones to edit, edit, and get it all together.

there are a ton of other things going on right now. including but not limited to: an online identity crisis (what to do with the baking blog, how and when do I start selling prints, should this blog be redesigned or completely disappear)... a closet that needs to be cleaned out and organized (still hasn't been done since moving 6 months ago)...  and a running habit that needs to be reactivate (though I my wait for this heat wave to pass through). the to-do list is always never ending, isn't it?

6th Avenue Heartache

this weekend I went into New York to stay with a friend. saw Sex and the City 2. went out drinking. wound up at a bar where a pack of sailors bought us drinks. danced to the world's most awesome cover band. then made friends with them between sets. got home at 5am. amazing, awesome, ridiculously fun night.
I remember when that used to be life every weekend. and sometimes weeknights. sometimes I feel like I've grown up too fast. my life consists of running, work, dinner, wedding, cats, and Luke. I'm only 25, and I'm getting married in a few weeks. but in some ways I already feel like an old married couple.

life hasn't been easy this past year. the stress of work was a huge weight hanging on me. I had photography as a release, but since the wedding planning picked up I haven't had enough time. I've been trying to keep up on the baking blog, which is supposed to be a fun thing! but I've twice gone 2 weeks without posting. and not just because I didn't have time to bake. because I didn't have time to bake and photograph and edit and post.

then there's Luke. being a first-year teacher is difficult enough. add in 30 miles commute each way in traffic and coaching a running club? some nights I don't see him until 7 or 8. and if he ever dares to take a weekend off to go have fun, he gets so backed up on grading that I just spent 2 hours grading multiple choice to help him out.

last week I accepted a promotion. which is truly a life-saving event. this change will be a wonderful thing: career development-wise, financially, emotionally, for my sanity. but first I have to learn my new job, be trained to do it. but I also have to cover my old job until they find someone to replace me. so right now, less than a month before my wedding, I have to carry the responsibilities of two positions.

and whether it's a function of having Kings of Leon stuck in my head, or that I'm remembering the lyrics because they seem so appropriate, what keeps playing over and over in my head:  "I'm to young to feel this old..." I'm sure that SATC2 didn't help. all about Carrie and Big's crisis of being the old boring married couple. but life sure does seem that way lately. work and stress have us both wrapped up tight.

but. this is temporary. once we make it to the wedding, summer adventures begin. sure it's not barbecues and drinking every day like in college. but a trip to Hawaii ain't bad. and camping trips, traveling home, visiting friends and new places. and we can still barbecue and drink. just not on a weekday afternoon. the promotion means a stressful transition but it also means more money to be able to have fun with.

and even now there are weekends like this. I can go play in the city. he can meet up with his friends. and then we come back together to real life. but there's no better feeling than waking up at 3am when he walks through the door and wraps his arms around me.

from the teacup

sometimes I feel a lot older than 24. tonight would be a great example: I'm snuggled up on the couch with food network and a cup of tea, a half-crocheted scarf, and a sleepy kitten. waiting patiently for hubby to come home.

there are days when I really miss the college lifestyle. friends and loves always in reach. beverages. video games and satc marathons. laughter. dancing. more beverages...

but "real life" has it's high points too. financial independence. time for hobbies like baking and photography. a sense of accomplishment. the friends are still around. so is the laughter. and love. real, adult, this is it, forever love.

and tonight, I'm 100% content to be right where I am :)

it's fall

I woke up this morning and could feel it in the air. the kind of chill that will last through the day, despite the sun. the kind of chill that makes it impossible to get out of a warm cozy bed. the kind of chill that makes you want to dig out your sweaters, even though you can't bear the thought of long sleeves yet.

September 1st. Luke has his "first day" of school. the kids won't be there for another week, but it's the official start for teachers. they all had a barbecue on sunday and I made apple-shaped cake pops. how appropriate.

the summer seemed so short. alll the heat was packed into a short span of 8 weeks in July and August, and now it's gone. I'm not ready to pack away my sundresses yet. I haven't had a chance to break in my fall shoes. I never even got a tan this year!

but fall will bring other things. football. hoodies. the smell of leaves. apple cider. visits and visitors. cuddling in bed with a good book and a cup of tea (and a kitten or two). I can trade in my flip flops for my brown boots... oh, how I missed my boots! Luke and I will find out what "normal" life together is. things will finally run on a schedule... I just LOVE when things are orderly. things at work will be crazy, but, things at work are always crazy. fall just means the production kind of crazy.

ready or not, fall is here.

freedom

some days in particular, I wish I could escape. I want to run away from all responsibilities and politics and financial crap and just be free.

I could wander through the wilderness, lying in the sun, taking photos, keeping my own hours, and just enjoying life.

Luke and the cats can come too.